"Your child has leukemia." Four words every parent doesn't want to hear. For Aaron and Sarah, it wasn't something they were prepared for, as they watch their daughter Bo fade away. But, what if, there was no pain? What if there was no reason be afraid? God uses Bo's illness to show Aaron His greatness. Showing him that faith can move mountains. What if? You let go and let God?
Streetlight Messenger
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What If
What if we had a Savior? What if we didn’t have to worry about anything. What if we had no worries or cares in this world, and that all we had to do is trust in a Savior, and that, what if, that Savior showed to be faithful always? What if, we could just ask that Savior of anything, from healing us of our cancer, to giving us everlasting life…and it would be so? What if? Just think about it, it would be as if we could do anything, nothing would be impossible.
Aaron scratched his head before taking the highlighter to the white pages of his Bible, marking the verse that he had just read.
And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. He stared at the verse for a moment, his mind contemplating the comforting words. Whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer ye shall receive. What a promise, what a comfort.
“Daddy,” The small voice came through his fog of thinking, and he looked up to meet the big blue eyes of his little girl.
“Yes, blue eyes?” He closed his Bible and set it aside as he reached for her, placing her in his lap.
“Daddy,” she began, “where do butterflies come from?”
Kissing the top of her blond head, Aaron pondered the simple question. “They’re caterpillars all grown up.”
“Caterpillars?” She scrunched her nose up. “How do they get wings?”
“God gives them wings.”
She sat there a moment, as if in deep thought before asking, “Daddy, why did God make the sky blue?” Her childish questions brought a smile to his face, his heart swelling with love for his little girl.
“Because blue is God’s favorite color. That’s why the ocean is blue, and why he gave you blue eyes, and…”
“And a blue polka dot on my belly?”
Aaron stared at her, puzzled. “A blue polka dot on your belly?”
She nodded as she lifted her shirt to reveal a bruise on the lower part of her rib cage. “How did you get this?”
“God gave it to me.”
“Did you fall or get hit?”
She shook her head.
Aaron looked at her for a moment, and then setting her down, he gave her a kiss on her forehead. “Enough questions for now, you run along and play.” He stroked her cheek. “And be careful, okay?”
“Okay, daddy.” She smiled big, and then turning, she skipped from the room, her short blond hair bobbing as she went.
What if we could stay as children? What if there was someone bigger, stronger, and smarter, then us, and that we could run to them whenever we felt afraid and alone? What if every time we fell we knew that they would be there to pick us up again, to brush the dirt from our knees and to wipe away our tears? What if, we could depend on them even when the sky is falling, and we have no more strength and courage to go on. What if we had a strong arm to hold us up, to carry us through each day without a care. A carefree life. What if?
Aaron stared blankly at his Bible, his head throbbing as he tried hard to focus on the Word of God before him, but so many thoughts clouded his thinking. The overwhelming pile of bills on the kitchen table, the worries and fears about his little girl, the dreams of buying a new home, a new car, and the dream of taking a family vacation to Disneyland…to see the smile on Bo’s face…
The worries of work, times were tough and things were slow. The fears of making it by each month. The crushed dreams of knowing that he could never give his wife and daughter the life they deserved. He had failed. In a blink of an eye things seemed to spin out of control, and now they lived in a rundown trailer park with a car that barely ran, and just hanging on by a string each month, hoping that the string would hold out just another day, another month, another year.
Sighing, Aaron closed the Bible, his head spinning with so many worries and cares. He felt worn out.
Whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer ye shall receive. The verse was one of the many thoughts running through his mind. Oh Lord, I need your strength. Help us through. He prayed silently as he peered out the kitchen window. The sun was shinning, and he could see his wife and daughter. Bo played with a rag doll as she watched her mother hang the laundry up, her big blue eyes looking at her mother with wonder, as if Sarah was an angel. And to Bo, Sarah was exactly that, and in Aaron’s eyes, she was to him too, they both were. He groaned. He wished he could give them the world, because to him, they were his world.
He watched as Sarah bent down to speak to Bo, who giggled in response. And then, catching his eye, Bo smiled and blew him a kiss.
Ask and ye shall receive. Aaron blew a kiss back to Bo. Please don’t let her be sick, Lord. The fear of his daughter being ill gripped his heart. The bruise on her ribcage had worried Sarah and him, especially when she began to get other bruises all over her body, and then she began to complain of her head and belly hurting. They had scheduled a doctor’s appointment for Monday. He hoped with all his heart that she was fine, that his worries and fears were in vain. Fear. He was tired, worn out, had no more energy left. The constant fears and worries weighed heavy on his heart. But no matter what, he had to continue on with his head held high, he needed to be strong for Sarah and Bo. They needed him to be their strength, their courage, their comforting arms when they were afraid.
“Daddy!” The high pitched squeal came, and then he felt Bo wrap her arms around his legs.
Turning from the window, Aaron swept Bo up into his arms and planted a kiss on her forehead, and then he received a butterflykiss on his cheek.
“What’s for dinner?” Aaron asked.
Sarah opened the refrigerator door. “Leftovers.” She reached in and grabbed a container of spaghetti. “Would you like garlic bread?” She asked as she emptied the spaghetti into a pan to reheat it.
“Sure,” He said, sitting down at the kitchen table.
“Will you color with me daddy?” Bo asked, her big blue eyes pleading.
“Sure, blue eyes.”
Jumping down from his lap she hurried from the room, returning with a coloring book and box of crayons. Then crawling into his lap again, she opened the coloring book and gave him a blue crayon.
For a moment he just watched as she colored, her tongue sticking out just slightly at the corner of her mouth as she concentrated. Her blue eyes framed by long dark eyelashes, and her short blond hair falling forward into her face. He couldn’t imagine loosing her, she was too important to him, meant too much.
“Daddy, you color the doggy.” She said.
“Blue?” He laughed, looking at the blue crayon she had handed him.
She nodded her head. “Blue. God’s favorite color.”
Sarah laughed as she buttered slices of bread. Aaron glanced over at her, catching her gaze and for a moment just looking at her. He loved her so much. She was so beautiful, from the inside out.
He felt a tug on his arm, and looking down he smiled. “Alright, a blue doggy.”
What if, getting sick, or loosing our job, didn’t matter, and that we could know for sure that we would be okay any way? What if when we got scared, we could just fall into strong arms that would then carry us over any mountain? What if, with every fear, we could just trust that nothing would happen, because we knew that we would always have someone so much bigger and stronger then any of our fears? What if?
“Leukemia?” Sarah’s face turned white, and Aaron reached for her, holding her tight. Leukemia. His fears had come true. His little girl was sick, very sick.
“Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, ALL. But just to make sure, I would like to do a few more tests.” Dr. Conner looked at them, his eyes narrowed, his glasses perched on the end of his nose, his balding head shiny against the light over his head.
“And what exactly is ALL?” Aaron asked.
“In this form of the disease, the lymphocyte cell line is affected. The lymphocytes, a type of white blood cell, normally fight infection. With acute lymphocytic leukemia, the bone marrow makes too many of these lymphocytes and they do not mature correctly. The lymphocytes overproduce, thus crowding out other blood cells. In addition, these immature blood cells do not work properly to fight infection. In some cases, these cancerous lymphocytes can affect the brain, spinal cord and other organs…” Dr. Conner spoke, but both Aaron and Sarah couldn’t focus on what he said as their thoughts were being pulled to their four-year-old daughter, and the fear of what was to come for all of them as little Bo would begin her treatments. Aaron’s fear of making it through, of paying for the medical bills, of watching his little girl go through the frightening experience, of watching Sarah too, having to watch her baby go through the pain. He felt powerless. Would he have the strength to hold his family above the waters that were threatening to drown them all? He feared that his strength and courage would run out. He was already worn out. Could he be a rock for his wife and daughter?
What if we could have wings like eagles and soar. What if we could have strength to run and never grow weary? What if in this life, we could have a rest. What if there didn’t have to be the constant struggle to keep ourselves above the water, that we could wear a life vest, and that without a struggle, we could rest and know that our heads would stay above the water. That we could trust to be held up when we grew tired?
Telling Bo was the hardest thing. Her big blue eyes meeting there’s. Her smile fading quickly as she saw the tears in her mama’s eyes, and heard the fear in her daddy’s voice.
“Come here sweetheart,” Aaron said, pulling her into his arms. Sarah held tight to his hand, trying so hard to be strong, but it was so hard when her dream, a part of her heart, her life, was standing before her with blue eyes so big and full of life and unaware of the sickness that threatened to rob them of that life.
Bo reached out to gently touch her mama’s hand. “It’s okay mommy, I’m not afraid.” Such grownup words for such a small person.
“You are very sick, sweetheart. There is a contest of good and bad cells in your body, and the doctors are going to try and help the good cells win.” Aaron gulped. Would she understand? “Sometimes it might hurt, but in time, with the doctor’s help, you will feel better. The doctors will help the good cells to be stronger.”
Bo stared at him, her big blue eyes wide with fear. “It‘s going to hurt?”
Aaron looked to Sarah, wishing with all of his heart that he could take his daughter’s place.
Sarah reached out and brushed Bo’s soft cheek. “I’m afraid so. But you just hang in there, and we’ll get through this together. When it hurts, think of something good.”
“Like ice-cream?” Her eyes brightened.
“Like ice-cream.” Aaron kissed her forehead, the baby scent still hung on her hair. Too young.
What if peace reigned, and war never came to our doorstep? But, what if instead, we always had victory over every war? What if, even if the enemy was larger, we would win? Could you imagine a life, where the only thing impossible was impossibility? What if everything was possible. What if we could move mountains, walk on water, and stand fearless and unshaken in the presence of lions? What if we could walk through fire, and not be burned?
Lord, you said that if we prayed, you would answer us. Where are you? Bo lay in the hospital bed, connected to tubes and monitors. Aware of Bo’s soft breathing as he sat there, a million thoughts racing through his mind. Aaron reached out and tenderly wiped a single tear that lay on her cheek. Her face was pale, her head bare, dark circles hung under her dull eyes. She no longer looked like the same little girl that ran and skipped everywhere, that wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him butterfly kisses. Who always was singing or humming something in her little girlish voice, never holding a tune but always sounding more beautiful to her daddy then anything else in the world.
“Daddy?” Her quiet voice came, barely above a whisper.
“Yes, blue eyes?” He stroked her cheek gently.
She opened her eyes slightly, too tired to open them wide as she use to, as if she had always wanted to take in the whole world all at once.
“Will God give me wings?” She looked at him.
“Wings?”
“Like a butterfly’s.”
She looked to the ceiling where colorful butterflies, rainbows, and a big sun and fluffy clouds decorated it.
“I saw Jesus.” She said.
Aaron held back tears.
“He said that He misses me.” She looked at Aaron, so faintly did the brightness shine through the dullness.
Aaron chocked back his tears, his strength crumbling.
“I love you, daddy.” She looked back to the butterflies on the ceiling. “Jesus said that I should tell you that. He also said that He hasn’t left, and He wants you to take His hand.”
Aaron’s strength crumbled. He leaned over, his hand clasped around her small one as he sobbed.
“He said to let go, and take His,” She whispered ever so faintly.
Let go and take His?
What if it was just one thing that held us back from all of that? What if we could have unfailing strength, feel loved always, and have rest, if we just let go of one thing and took a hold of another with all of our heart? What if life could be so simple, if only we could just take that one step between unbelief and having faith?
Aaron stared at the Bible in his hands. Bo lay asleep again, her soft breathing soothed him. He opened it, his hands shaking, his throat tight. He hadn’t touched his Bible since Bo was diagnosed with the cancer. He had prayed. Sarah and Him had both prayed fervently through the first few months of Bo’s illness, but as the leukemia worsened, their prayers became few and far between, until their hope in the Lord turned to hope in the doctors and the medicines. A desperate hope.
He flipped through the pages, unsure of where to begin, of how to give his faith back to God. Where did he begin? Where did faith start?
And then, the verse he had marked the day Bo had revealed the first sign of her cancer to him, caught his eye. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. And then, for the first time, the one word that meant most of all, caught his attention. Believing. He stared at the word. One word. Small. Simple. But the most important. Without believing, without the faith that their prayers would be heard, that God would answer, the words held no power, were empty. How did he miss it? How could he be so blind?
Tears filled his eyes. Let go. Take His hand. Sobbing, Aaron slipped from his chair and on his knees in the hospital room, he poured his heart out to God. Not asking for Bo to be healed. Not begging the Lord to heal his precious little girl as he had at the beginning, but instead, asking for faith. He gave his heart back over to the Lord, handing every worry and care to God. And, as the first light of morning shown through the window, Aaron felt his heavy burden lifted, and he felt his strength renewed. Standing from where he had spent the entire night on his knees at Bo’s bedside, Aaron peered down at his daughter’s peaceful face. God was gracious. In his unbelief, God was still faithful.
What if it didn’t have to be ’what if’, and that it could be true. What if the impossible was made possible just because of faith. What if, you were standing on the edge of unbelief, and that if you just had the faith to jump, you would be given wings to fly? But you had to make that jump of the unknown to receive wings. What if there was no what ifs, and there was only truth.
Aaron opened his eyes as he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. He reached for it, looking up into Sarah’s face.
“I haven‘t seen you read that in awhile…” She whispered.
Still holding her hand, he looked to his Bible. “Bo said last night that Jesus told her He wants me to take His hand.” He said.
Sarah stared at him, tears filling her eyes as her lower lip began to tremble.
Opening his Bible he read the verse he had found. “And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.”
Sarah bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling as she stared down at the Bible. “I don’t understand.”
Aaron pulled her into his arms. “Believing.”
Sarah looked into his eyes. “Haven’t we believed?”
“In the doctors, in the medicines, in ourselves, the world, man.” He pulled her to his lap, and held her tenderly as they watched their daughter sleep. “We believed in everything but in the One that matters. We can get through this, we can overcome this cancer, but not without God. Our hopes and prayers have all been in vain without God, without believing. He can take her from us no matter how great the medicine or doctors, if He wants to. He holds life in his hands, and can give it or take it.”
Sarah wept. Her heart heavy with grief. “Bo told me the other day that Jesus sits with her, holds her hand, and sings to her too sometimes. She said that He never leaves her side. She said that He talks to us too, and she wondered why we don’t look at Him, or answer Him.”
What if we listened to His gentle calling. What if we took his hand, and stepped out on the water. What if we followed Him faithfully, even when the giant towers over us, and the storm rages ahead of us. What if we never let go of His hand, even when we fall. What if we trust in Him when we are afraid, knowing that He is bigger and stronger then our fears. What if we trust in Him.
Bo pointed at the butterfly, her eyes bright with wonder. “Daddy, look, it’s Grace!”
Aaron smiled as he watched the butterfly flutter in the sky.
“Daddy, when I was sick, Jesus brought me a butterfly in a jar.” She watched the butterfly as it came to rest on a flower near them. “He told me that the butterfly was named Grace. He said that she was special, and that whenever I would see her, to remember Him. He said that Grace was from heaven. He then opened the window in the hospital room and let her free. He then told me that He set her free so that the whole world could share in her beauty. He said that He had made her beautiful for anyone who would want to see her beauty.”
Aaron listened to her, watching the blue butterfly in awe.
“Jesus said that she is His gift to the world.” She smiled. “And she helped Him to make me better.”
Aaron kissed her cheek.
“Pretty butterfly.” She said as it fluttered away. “Bubye, Grace.”
The End
Copyright ©2010 Elley Bartolazzi
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Streetlight Messenger
Matthew 13:3
Behold, a sower went forth to sow
Caleb Brody stepped into the light of the streetlamp, his calloused hands clasped around a worn leather Bible.
Go ye into the world, and preach the gospel to every creature. Caleb looked out at the city before him. Were there any chosen among the many people walking the streets of the city tonight? He wondered. He that hath and ear, let him hear. The Lord’s words were vivid in Caleb’s mind. Would his words be heard tonight, or would they go unnoticed?
Seating himself on the street corner under the streetlamp, Caleb opened his Bible, letting the Holy Spirit guide him.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, for whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” His voice seemed to be magnified above the evening din of the city.
Caleb glanced up, catching the gaze of a young woman to his right, who was waiting along with a number of other young people to cross the street.
The snow swirled down around her, catching in her long eyelashes and curly brown hair.
She stared at him with large violet eyes, but they didn’t hold the enthrallment that he hoped for, but instead a scornful twinkle.
Matthew 13:4
And when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side, and the fowls came and devoured them up…
The night was cold as snowflakes swirled to the ground.
“This is going to be so cool!” Amber, Jamie’s best friend, exclaimed as she burst from Leo’s Pizza Joint.
The four teens made their way down Way Side Avenue.
“Way!” Jamie joined her friend’s excitement. “The DC Rockers are like totally awesome!”
Mark and Ian held back their own excitement as they followed their girlfriends down the sidewalk.
“I was thinking about coloring and cutting my hair like Aria’s, what do you think?” Amber asked as the small group waited to cross the street.
“I don’t know,” Jamie studied her friend for a moment. Aria, the lead singer of the DC Rockers, had short auburn hair that was spiked with long sweeping side bangs. “You have such pretty hair; do you really want to cut it all off?”
Amber wrapped a strand of long blonde hair around her finger and studied it thoughtfully. “I know, but its so — so yesterday!” She said melodramatically.
Jamie shook her head and smiled. Her best friend could be such a drama queen at times.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son…”
Jamie looked to her left to see where the words had come from. A man sat under the streetlight, his head bent over a book on his lap. How peculiar. She thought, watching him read.
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son…It seemed almost like a love story…in its own bizarre way. She thought, but then shook her head. It was all so unreal. How could people believe such nonsense?
The man looked up from the book, his blue eyes instantly filling with pain.
Could he tell that she thought his religion ridiculous? She looked away quickly. What should he care? People were entitled to their own thoughts and feelings!
Following her friends, Jamie crossed the street to the theater where the DC Rockers were performing.
“Ready to, parr-taay?” Amber asked as she nudged Jamie with her elbow.
Jamie looked over her shoulder at the man, he had his head bent and his words flowed loudly into the street.
“You bet I am!” Jamie shouted a little too loudly as they entered the Music and Lyrics theater.
Matthew 13:5-6
Some fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: and when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had not root, they withered away.
Shane held tight to his wife’s hand as tears filled his eyes.
The doctor’s words hung heavy on his heart. My sweet Libby. His heart pleaded for her to stay while anther voice somewhere seemed to be calling for her.
“Cancer…?” Shane’s voice trembled.
I love her. I am not ready to let go of her, not now, not ever!
Shane dared to look at his wife, her face ashen and her eyes filled with tears. Her beautiful blue eyes. She turned to look at him. Her eyes were pleading, full of fear and pain. What could he do? I would do anything for you, Libby; you are all I have.
“What can we do?” Shane’s voice was desperate as he placed his gaze on Dr. Rhodes.
“There are several treatments — but there‘s no promising…” His voice held no hope for them, no compassion.
Shane looked again at Libby; she sat stiffly in her chair, a single tear present on her cheek. He held tight to her hand, as if it was the only thing keeping her alive.
She’s so beautiful. He thought. She is so young. They had only been married a year…why her?
Shane could not bear to watch is lovely bride die. Her once bright blue eyes were now dull, no longer full of life, and her smiles were no longer sincere but rather a façade. She was dying, and all he could do was sit by and watch.
Shane made his way down Stone Street, his heart heavy with grief. Why her? He had asked so many times.
Shane held out his hand to catch the falling snowflakes, but he could not feel them.
“In the way of righteousness is life; and in the pathway thereof there is no death.”
Shane glanced over his shoulder, noticing for the first time the young man that sat in the light of the streetlamp. The man was reading aloud from a book in his lap, his tranquil voice was filled with a joy that Shane envied.
Shane found the words so familiar, yet he could not remember where he had heard them before. What book did he read from? What made those words so special?
The man flipped through the pages of his book, not noticing Shane. “Every word of God is pure: he is a shield to them that put their trust in him.”
Of course, it was the Bible. He had grown up going to church Sunday after Sunday, hearing those same words spoken again and again. But why did they seem so new and different tonight? Weren’t they the same words?
Shane wanted to know more, to share it with Libby, maybe then she would heal.
Libby. My sweet darling Libby. Hope rose in his heart. If the words spoke truth then Libby would live!
Shane headed for the downtown Christian bookstore to purchase a Bible, his heart singing a new praise as hope rose in him.
Shane stared at his wife from across the room. She had been released by the hospital to spend her last days at home. Last days. The words chilled his heart. We prayed…why haven’t you answered? He questioned, his heart filling with anger.
Seeing her now curled up on the couch with a quilt, Shane could not hold back his tears.
Her head was bent over her Bible as she read it silently. As the days passed Shane had lost hope, but Libby blossomed with it spiritually.
She’s so beautiful. He thought. Though her skin was pale still, her eyes were bright and full of life again. She smiled her “from the heart” smile again. I love you so very much, Libby. A pink and blue scarf covered her head, taking the place of her lovely blonde curls.
Looking up, Libby smiled as she noticed him staring at her. “What?” She asked, tilting her head slightly to the left.
He shook his head. “Nothing,” he smiled and made his way across the room to sit next to his lovely wife, “I was just thinking how beautiful you are—now more then ever.” He peered into her loving eyes. “I just don‘t get it.”
Subconsciously she raised her hand to her head; the softness of the silk scarf was all she could feel with her fingertips.
“I feel so much better then before too, even though…” Her voice trailed off.
“I love you so much,” His voice trembled as he tried to hold back a sob. Bringing his hand up to stroke the silk scarf, he leaned forward and pressed his forehead to hers.
“God’s calling me home, darling, it’ll be alright.” She whispered. “I know that it is hard for you, but you will be comforted.”
She turned her eyes to the Bible in her lap and read aloud. “…The Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost…” She looked back to her husband, a smile stretching across her face. “See? He is our comforter, in times of sorrow He is there.” She paused for a moment, as if considering her words carefully. “But me going is not a time of sorrow, but a time to rejoice!” She raised her voice as loud as she could.
He’s taking you from me! I had asked, but he did not answer. Why should I rejoice when he never gave you another chance?
“Grieve, but not for me, but for those who don’t have such a happy ending.”
But her words fell on deaf ears; Shane’s heart was already hardened.
As the clock struck midnight Libby’s hand went limp in Shane’s grasp, and when he looked up at her all he could see was sweet bliss on her lovely face. She was gone from him forever.
His body shook with sobs. He would never love again. Never.
Matthew 13:7
And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them.
Alana made her way through the cafeteria, trying to dodge the spitballs that the football jocks were shooting at the geeks from across the room.
“So, have you heard the 411?” Alana’s best friend, Tess Peterson asked the second Alana seated herself at the table.
But Tess didn’t wait for Alana’s answer before she blurted, “Jordan Paige is having a party this weekend.”
“Awesome.” Alana said as she reached into her handbag for her iPod.
“Everyone’s invited…” Tess’ voice trailed off as she glanced over at the geeks in the corner of the cafeteria. “Well, not everyone.”
The two of them burst into laughter.
Alana made her way down Thorn Street; the night was cold and snowy. If only I had my own car. She breathed into the cold night air as she came to a stop at the crosswalk.
She had to sneak out of the house to get by her parents who had objected to her going to Jordan’s party. Why do they have to be so unfair? Kicking at a lump of dry grass that had grown up through a crack in the concrete of the sidewalk, Alana waited impatiently to cross the street.
“In whom ye also trusted, after that ye heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation: in whom also after that ye believed, ye were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise…”
Alana looked up with surprise. Where did those words come from? She looked to her left to see a man sitting in the streetlight. What was he doing?
Listening closer Alana realized he read aloud from the Bible. Why?
…Sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise…it sounded like poetry. Alana had never noticed before, even when Josiah Davis so frequently quoted scripture, how wonderful the words sounded. It stirred something inside of her, she felt drawn to the words, and a desperate need to go to the only person she knew who would understand, Josiah Davis.
Changing her direction, Alana made her way down the street, her pace quickening to the beat of her heart. I want to know you, Lord! The beat of her heart seemed to yell.
Taking a sip of her diet coke, Alana glanced over her shoulder as an uproar of laughter came from the football jocks. She followed their gaze to the far corner of the cafeteria to see one of the geek’s face covered in a slice of key lime pie. To her horror, Alana recognized the young man as Josiah Davis.
Why are they so mean? Alana thought as she looked back to the football jocks. Why do they find enjoyment in terrorizing people just because they are different?
Part of Alana wanted to scream and yell at all who laughed, but a part of her just wanted to go along with the others, to fit in.
Why do I find it so hard? She had felt so great last night as Josiah explained God’s word so clearly to her. He had helped her to understand it all. And by the end of the conversation she was crying and asking Jesus into her heart.
Now as she sat at the table staring at him, Alana found herself doing nothing for kindhearted Josiah Davis, when he had done so much for her.
Later, after lunch, Alana met Josiah in the hallway as Tess and her made their way to cheerleading practice.
“Hi,” he said and smiled broadly.
Alana glanced at Tess who stood next to her. “Um, hi,” she said hesitantly.
Tess just stood staring at Alana, her eyes puzzled.
“Why are you talking to him?” Tess mouthed.
Josiah only ignored Tess and kept his eyes on Alana. “I thought you might like this,” he said as he reached into his book bag. “I didn’t know if you had one or not, but…” He held out a Bible.
Alana didn’t reach for it, but glanced at Tess, not sure what to do. She wanted so badly to be popular, but she knew Tess would ruin her if she was friends with Josiah Davis and proclaimed her newly found faith.
Despite her heart’s yearning to take the Bible, Alana laughed loudly and walked past Josiah.
The young man stood in the hallway deeply hurt as a waive of laughter erupted from the many onlookers.
Matthew 13:8
But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit…
Brian held tight to Sarah’s hands, his heart pounding wildly in his chest as he stared into her beautiful blue eyes.
“I love you so much, Sarah.”
She looked up at him, her heart beating a little quicker. She loved him so much. His gentle blue eyes and adorable smile never failed to pull at her heartstrings. From head to toe she loved him, from the way his curly brown hair curled up in the front, to his big heart. She had fallen in love with him, with her whole heart, she had fallen. “I love you too, Brian.” Was this it…was he going to…
“I love you sweetheart, more then words can speak.” Brian searched Sarah’s eyes. “Will you marry me?” Sarah’s eyes quickly filled with tears as he uttered the four words she had longed to hear for so long.
“Yes!” She yelled, throwing her arms around his neck. “Yes!”
It was all that he could do to keep back his own tears as he held tight to Sarah.
Snow was swirling around them as they made their way, hand in hand, down Good Street, their hearts beating rapidly with excitement.
Every now and then they would glance at each other and whisper, “I love you”, but mostly they walked in silence.
“…Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing ye might have life through his name.”
Stopping suddenly, the couple turned to look at the man they had just passed. He sat under the streetlight, his head bent over a book in his lap as he read aloud.
The sound of the pages fluttering in the wind, and then the man’s voice, “And it shall come to pass that whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved.” Again, the wind turned the pages, and again the man began to read to where the pages had been turned. “I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture.” Again the wind turned the pages, and again the man read from where the pages fell. “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to everyone that believeth…”
Sarah felt Brian squeeze her hand tenderly, looking up she found tears streaming down his face.
Brian looked down to see Sarah staring up at him, her face streaked with tears.
Both their hearts sang to a new beat as they made their way to the Streetlight Messenger.
As they neared, the man lifted his weary eyes to them.
“We would like to know more,” Was all they said, but it was enough to bring tears to Caleb’s eyes.
“Blessed is he that is chosen! For many are called, but few are chosen.”
Unlike the others that had heard Caleb’s words that night, Brian and Sarah heard God’s Word with good and honest hearts. And with patience and understanding, they continued to grow.
The Beginning
Because it doesn’t end here for those chosen of God
Copyright ©2008 Elley Bartolazzi
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Love Never Fails
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not: charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth.
She fingered the gold heart that hung from the necklace around her neck. A symbol of his promise. She let out her breath slowly, her heart beating wildly. Did she deserve someone so wonderful? Was she good enough for him? She questioned the heart of her beloved every moment, wondering why he would give her a chance, even when he knew everything about her, right down to the most darkest parts of her heart. Even though she had hoped with all of her heart he wouldn’t ever know of her past, there had been no getting around it, it was as if from the moment he looked deeply into her eyes, he was able to see her heart for what it truly was. Black. Hidden from the eyes of everyone but him, her heart beat black and ugly, beneath her beautiful white gown.
Will he keep his promise? Will he love me forever like he says? She didn’t want to doubt him, didn’t want to question his love. But she didn’t know if she could ever except his love, not truly, not fully.
Holding up the bouquet of roses, she studied each color, still puzzled at the many roses that he had chosen for her bouquet, and for the special meaning each color held. Red, for when he gave his life to save hers; white, to remind her of his forgiveness; yellow, for his promise of happiness: a white rose with black tips, a reminder that even when things got hard, he would still be there for her, to remind her that if she believed, then the light could always overcome the darkness; and then in the center of them all was a delicate white silk rose that would never fade, but would hold its beauty forever, to remind her each day of each promise.
Tears came to her eyes as she stroked one of the delicate silk flower petals. And then, she buried her face in the sweet scent of the other roses.
“Are you ready, Annalise?”
Turning, she looked into the eyes of her father, his gentle eyes touching her heart. And then she was afraid that she couldn’t hold back the tears.
“Oh, daddy…” she whispered.
“My sweet little girl.” He drew her to him, holding her close like when she was a little girl afraid of the dark.
“You had been lost to us, Annalise, but he brought you back to our loving arms again, and for that, we could never thank him enough. He gave his life to save you, and we are indebted to him for that, and forever thankful.”
Annalise looked up into her father’s face. You shouldn’t love me so much, daddy. I have done so many wrongs, have made so many mistakes…I want to believe him, want to believe that all those wrongs can be undone…but I just don’t know if I can. Oh, daddy, if only you knew…
Annalise had been an only child, and because of that she was showed daily of how much she was loved. Not a moment went by that her parents didn't show her in some way or another that they loved her, especially her father. He was always there for her, brushing away a tear or encouraging her to continue on, never failing to give her his undivided attention. But all of that did not matter, it all began to fade as she grew older, when reality hit her and she realized that life wasn't carefree and all about laughter and smiles. There was a painful and dark part of life that she found difficult to ignore.
When she was sixteen she met a guy that changed her life. When she had first laid eyes on him, she had been taken aback by his seemingly handsome yet daunting features. At first glance she had turned her eyes away quickly, feeling uneasy looking into his dark eyes, they were unsettling, almost haunting.
It was when he started to persuade her with a charm that she couldn’t say no to, that she slowly felt herself being pulled unwillingly, at first, from all that she knew. She had slowly faded away until she felt like a dead person, empty and lifeless.
Dressing in black as an outward sign of how she felt on the inside, Annalise followed him and his group as one. She would lookout from behind all the black and hope with all her heart that she could cry out for help to the many onlookers that stood gawking at their group, but she couldn’t, she was a prisoner, held captive behind the grief and loneliness that had taken over her soul. Who would help her anyway?
Scars marked her wrists from the many times she cut them. Watching the blood ooze from her pale skin, she would feel some of the heaviness of her grief seep from her heart as the blood seeped from her wrist. It was all she knew to do, to lighten the pain that held her captive in her heart. To hurt herself physically took away her emotional pain that weighed heavy on her heart.
With every glance from an outsider brought more pain, because she knew that they judged her, knew what they thought of her. Her heart was as black as the lipstick she wore.
How did I ever allow myself to get here? Why didn’t I stop it? She asked herself so often that her head spun. No one understands me, no one but him… She thought, though it wasn’t true. He treated her meanly, and cared nothing for her. He was angry, and he no longer was kind and gentle like when she first met him and he lured her into their group. He was off working on others, luring them into the group with his charm.
She wanted to warn his victims, but she didn’t, hiding constantly behind the fear that he put in her heart. Run, run as far away as you can from him, because once he holds you captive there is nothing left, you will forever be captive. Like me…
Annalise would watch helplessly as one by one, he would draw more and more lost souls into the group. Other lost souls like me…
It had been a beautiful fall day, when yet again, Annalise met another young man that would change her life.
She had sunk into the deepest part of her depression, almost absent of all that was around her, only being able to see darkness.
She had slipped out behind the high school, near the dumpster. She fell to the ground, millions of voices filling her mind while the sky above her spun out of control, just as her life had. She couldn’t overcome the feelings that battled in her heart, she didn’t want to live anymore, she was done, had given up. She glanced down at the pocket knife in her hand, turning it and watching the sun glisten off of the metal blade. Turning her wrist, she pressed the sharp blade to her skin, and then slowly, the blood beaded and then broke out, streaming down her arm, seeping into her shirt. She didn’t want to stop, she kept cutting, gritting her teeth against the pain of the cuts, but most of all the pain that dragged her into the black bottomless pit of her heart.
Blood covered her arms and clothes. She felt dizzy, and slowly the voices began to fade and the world came to a stop, the sky grew bright and flashed white before her eyes. And then, a single voice came through the cloudiness, gentle and sweet, as if from heaven.
“Someone has already bore those stripes for you, Annalise.” And then she felt his strong arms around her, as he cradled her, her blood staining the front of his shirt. She felt herself slipping away, giving into the peace that fought to make its way into her burdened heart, but then something out of her control flared up inside, causing her to struggle and fight against his gentle embrace. She screamed out against him, not wanting his pity, not wanting to accept his kindness.
“Let me go!” She lashed out at him, the knife still clenched in her hand. “I don’t need you!”
His embrace was strong, still loving, still gentle. “I want to help you, Annalise.”
“I don’t want your help! Just let me die, please.”
“I don’t want to let you die, Annalise, I want you to live,” Pain caused his eyes to widen as he spoke. Annalise looked down, the knife had stabbed his left hand accidentally in her struggle to be set free from his embrace. And all of a sudden her heart broke open, after being hardened over the years, she allowed all that she had held inside for so long to spill out on to her face as she gave into the heartrending sobs that her soul had hungered for, for so long. Healing tears. She was set free from the chains that had bound her heart, she felt as if her soul had wings as an eagle and soared, and that she could run and never grow weary. Her heart was able to give and except love again.
Annalise breathed deeply, still looking into her father’s eyes. “I’m so sorry, daddy. I didn’t want to hurt you…”
He smiled. “All is forgiven…no need to go back. This is your day, sweetheart, live it with all of your heart.”
She smiled, her blue eyes bright again, and she hugged him tight before slipping her hand in the crook of his arm and allowed him to lead her down the grassy aisle towards her beloved.
Smiling, her beloved reached for her left hand, the scar so apparent in the center of his palm, causing her heart to tighten with guilt. I’m so sorry…
He looked at her with his gentle eyes, smiling at her. “It is all forgiven.” He whispered. “I love you, and will bare many more scars for you, if it meant that you would live.”
Her heart pounded wildly. How can you be so good to me? I am not worthy enough to be loved! Her thoughts rang out as she looked into his eyes.
The words of the minister were carried by the wind across the grassy meadow that they had chosen for this special day. The wildflowers were in bloom and bobbed their heads in the gentle breeze, their scent filling the air. They stood tall as if they were a million witnesses of the special covenant made between Annalise and her beloved.
“…a covenant is not to be broken…” Could she forever keep her promise to him? “…love never fails…” Was it so? Would his love never fail her? “…will you, Annalise, vow your heart to a lifetime of promise?”
Could she promise her heart to him?
She found herself nodding her yes, her voice gone from her, as if the gentle summer breeze had carried it away.
Years passed after Annalise and her beloved had been joined together as one. The first year had been a beautiful one, he was so good, so kind, so forgiving, so patient as she learned ever so slowly to let go. He held her hand and guided her daily, teaching her of things that she had never heard of before. And at times she almost felt as if she could do anything with him by her side. She felt free, felt as if she could smile forever.
But then, she opened her eyes and saw that people gawked at her when she walked beside him. They looked at her and him together, and she found them almost laughing. Why? When my heart was black I was judged, and now they judge me still…but why? She would look up at him and he would smile down at her, but the pain of others’ unwillingness to love him back, mirrored in his eyes.
Her parents though, loved him dearly. Her father especially had taken him in, calling him son.
Annalise tried to deny the fact that her mother was slipping away though. Her mother was so weak, her skin so pale and her eyes so dull. Annalise couldn’t accept her mother’s dieing, she didn’t want to let go, didn’t want to say goodbye. She pleaded with her beloved, pleaded that he would make her better, but he shook his head, his eyes apologetic.
“Sometimes, darling, you just have to let go.” He kissed her cheek ever so lightly.
“But you can do something, can’t you? Can’t you make her live forever?” Annalise fought against the feelings that rose in her heart.
“Annalise, I know that you want me to do something, but sometimes you need to just let things be.” He looked deeply in to her eyes. “Leaving this earth is not the end of her life, Love. She will be going home where life is eternal.”
She shook her head, her vision blurry with tears. “No, you can do something, I know you can. You’re a doctor, help her, it’s your job.”
He shook his head. “I’m sorry, Annalise, but I can’t. Please understand…”
She shook her head in anger. “No!” Turning she fled from him, the blackness of her heart years ago was returning, staining the white.
She ran until she had no breath left, her heart pounding. She fell to her knees, anger flooding her face with hot tears. Love never fails…
She looked to the sky, it was darkening with storm clouds and the sound of thunder rang in the distance. I hate him! He could save her, but he chooses to watch her die! Why? Why is he allowing this?
She felt her heart harden and the blackness return.
She found him again, his group larger then before and more powerful too. They put fear in the hearts of anyone that laid eyes on them. They roamed about like a cloud of black smoke, devouring every innocent and weary soul.
Annalise joined them again, the hands of hate clutching her heart, allowing herself to be imprisoned yet again…yet, she didn’t know why, but she held hidden and protected close to her heart, the silk rose from the bouquet of promises that he had given her. She had wanted to crush it, wanted to destroy it, but had found that she couldn’t, had needed to hold it close to her heart.
She looked at the darkened faces around her, sullen and deathlike. She had known how it was to live, to be free and happy. He had given her the taste of something so sweet…but he had hurt her, and she hated him for it.
Hadn’t he been faithful? Hadn’t he loved her, cared for her, guided her, even when she failed? Hadn’t he picked her up every time she stumbled? Hadn’t he reminded her daily that he loved her? …But didn’t he deny her of the healing she knew he was so capable of?
Breathing in the scent of death, Annalise looked out on the group, it was taking over. But, within the smell of death, the lightest scent of roses could be smelled, it was from the single rose that lay against her heart, it had taken the scent of the many real roses of her bouquet so many years ago. Never fading.
“You don’t need him, Annalise, you’ve got us. You know, he doesn’t like us, thinks he’s too good for us. It feels good, doesn’t it? To do as you want. So much easier then walking the strait and narrow…you don’t need all that stuff. We’ve got it all right here.”
Annalise looked into his eyes, they were haunting and sent a shiver up her spine. “It is easier.”
His smile was horrid, making her heart shudder. “I let you do what ever you want, there aren’t no rules here. Anything you want, you got. It’s as if we hold everything in our hands, it’s all ours.” He held has hand in front of her face, clasped tightly, as if he were holding something.
She looked at him. “Can you keep my mother alive?”
He sneered. “If you do as I ask.”
She shrunk back from his unsettling gaze, and she found herself nodding, and then saying, “Anything.”
“First, I don’t like life, most of all new life.”
Her heart jolted. No! Tears came to her eyes. “Wha-what do you want me to do?” She licked her lips as she tightened her arms about her stomach.
“You know.” He hissed.
“Alright.” She found herself saying.
The little life that was just beginning to grow inside of her was so precious to her…but she didn’t know it, didn’t have to love it just yet, she couldn’t see it, couldn’t feel it, so how did she know it was real? It wouldn’t hurt, wouldn’t matter.
“Is that all?”
“Forget about that promise. Forget about him. You serve me now, and there’s no room for him.” His words were spoken with such force and coldness. She trembled in his presence.
She pressed her hand to her heart, she could feel the rose, his promise. Did it still hold its promise?
She turned from him and made her way down the dark street, one hand over the rose of promise, the other over the life that grew ever so near her heart. Could she destroy his promise, forget about him, kill the new life that grew within her?
She looked to the sky, it seemed dark all the time anymore, the sun hadn’t shone for so many days, she missed the warmth of it, the feel of it against her face. But if it shone again, could she feel it? It seemed that all she could feel anymore was coldness. Could only see blackness.
Turning the corner, she made her way towards the one single streetlight that shed its light into the darkness. A single light in all of this darkness. It puzzled her, and then she saw the silhouette of her beloved. Her beloved!
“I’m still here, Annalise, and I still love you.” He said from the light. She stood just at the edge, the toes of her black shoes right on the line that separated the dark from the light, her eyes on his outstretched hand, the tips of his fingers on the line of darkness and light that separated them.
“I asked you to save her.” She began to cry. “But you wouldn’t.”
“Annalise, please, you have to understand that even if I hold the power to do whatever, it doesn’t mean that I can do as I want.” His own eyes filled with tears. “I don’t want to deny you, Annalise, but sometimes you have to let go, for reasons beyond what we could ever understand. He has a purpose for us, Annalise, for all that He allows to happen. We can’t question Him, can’t try to change His plans because they don’t fit with our own.”
Annalise glanced up at his face and then to his hand again, she then looked to her own hand, wanting to reach for his, but all the time aware of the hold that the black figure in the darkness behind her had on her. His dark fierce eyes could be felt on her back, and she knew he was angry.
“It’s all about love, Annalise, if you love me then you must love Him. Love suffers long, love is kind, love envies not, love vaunt not itself, love is not puffed up, love does not behave itself unseemly, love does not seek its self, love is not easily angered, love does not think evil, love does not rejoice in iniquity but in truth, love bares all things, love believes all things, love hopes all things, love endures all things, love never fails.” He looked into her eyes, so gentle and kind. “All of that is what it means to love. You must believe with all your heart of all of those things, because if you don’t, then your heart can not fully love.”
Annalise looked over her shoulder, could see the dark figure, and she knew, that no matter what, she had given her heart away. Looking back, she opened her heart once again to the love that had never really left. She believed with all of her heart this time, that all was forgiven, that he really did love her, and that all that he said was true. She accepted it, with all of her heart this time. She vowed her heart to him, it was his to keep forever more. No matter how difficult, she promised to never loose hope, to never stop believing, because loving him was all she ever needed.
She reached out her hand into the light, and found his scarred one. She was pulled willingly into the light. The blackness fell away from her, and the breath of life filled her lungs. Her heart beat wildly as the tiny life within her gave a gentle kick. Life was so beautiful, love made it possible, and it was all because of him.
The End
Copyright © 2009 Elley Bartolazzi
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Perfect Image
The majestic rocky mountains tinted by fiery colors of fall rose before him against a smoky blue sky. A glassy indigo blue ocean stretched out with a crimson sunset backdrop. An open emerald green meadow lay underneath a sky strewn with wispy clouds. Picture perfect.
An eagle soared over a lake that wore a perfect reflection of the world that rose above it, in its still clear waters.
Adam Flynn peered through the lens of his camera at the image displayed before him. Breathtaking. His father had taken him and his brother to the rocky mountains when Adam was only ten. At the time, he had only a disposable camera his dad had picked up at a general store, in the small town they stopped in before leaving the paved highway behind them and turning onto a rutted mountain dirt road.
He remembered for the first time seeing those mountains in the distance. A hazy purple blue on the horizon. They still wore snow on their peaks while all around summer bloomed in full array.
He could remember hiking a fairly worn hunting trail that lead up the mountainside. Struggling along with his almost too big a pack, and his eyes wide open so he wouldn’t miss a thing, Adam could remember snapping his camera at every little thing.
“Why don’t you save the film, son, there’ll be a lot better pictures later on.”
Chuckling now at the memory of that disposable camera, Adam took pride in his more professional and complex digital camera. At ten he was full of wonder over being able to capture an image so easily. To be able to keep memories alive through a tangible image, was extraordinary. But, not as amazing as the scenes in those images that he captured.
Adam put his camera down, and gazed at the beauty displayed before him in a clear mountain lake, a soaring eagle and a majestic mountain range. And like clockwork, his heart began to wander in the greatness surrounding him.
Was there a god? The beauty, the greatness, the wonder, of it all, held a mystery.
A picture’s worth a thousand words. Looking at one of his photographs or gazing at the real thing, he always felt like there was something more to the scene before him. Like it was only a façade, and that there was a depth to both scene and image that could only be found if you looked hard enough.
Adam breathed deeply. Was it true that the beauty before him was created by God? He grew up being taught that life was what you made it. That you chose your way, and there wasn’t some divine being that had power over everything. But then how could all of this be? He questioned. He squatted near the water and touched it lightly with his fingertips, causing the waters to ripple. The cool wet feel of the water on his fingertips. That musty autumn scent on the crisp mountain air filling his nostrils and cleansing his lungs. It was all tangible. But God was surreal. How could it be possible? And then suddenly interrupting his thoughts came the answer. How could it not be? Quietly he stood and peered at the mountains and lake before him, the eagle had disappeared, but it’s screech could still be heard in the distance.
We look at the world and tend to see what we have learned to believe is there, stopping there, and never going further to look deeper to the source of it all.
Copyright ©2010 Elley Bartolazzi
Parable of the sower and the seed.
Parable of Christ and His bride.
We look at the world and tend to see what we have learned to believe is there, stopping there, and never going further to look deeper to the source of it all.
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What if we had a Savior? What if we didn’t have to worry about anything. What if we had no worries or cares in this world, and that all we had to do is trust in a Savior, and that, what if, that Savior showed to be faithful always? What if, we could just ask that Savior of anything, from healing us of our cancer, to giving us everlasting life…and it would be so? What if? Just think about it, it would be as if we could do anything, nothing would be impossible.
Aaron scratched his head before taking the highlighter to the white pages of his Bible, marking the verse that he had just read.
And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. He stared at the verse for a moment, his mind contemplating the comforting words. Whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer ye shall receive. What a promise, what a comfort.
“Daddy,” The small voice came through his fog of thinking, and he looked up to meet the big blue eyes of his little girl.
“Yes, blue eyes?” He closed his Bible and set it aside as he reached for her, placing her in his lap.
“Daddy,” she began, “where do butterflies come from?”
Kissing the top of her blond head, Aaron pondered the simple question. “They’re caterpillars all grown up.”
“Caterpillars?” She scrunched her nose up. “How do they get wings?”
“God gives them wings.”
She sat there a moment, as if in deep thought before asking, “Daddy, why did God make the sky blue?” Her childish questions brought a smile to his face, his heart swelling with love for his little girl.
“Because blue is God’s favorite color. That’s why the ocean is blue, and why he gave you blue eyes, and…”
“And a blue polka dot on my belly?”
Aaron stared at her, puzzled. “A blue polka dot on your belly?”
She nodded as she lifted her shirt to reveal a bruise on the lower part of her rib cage. “How did you get this?”
“God gave it to me.”
“Did you fall or get hit?”
She shook her head.
Aaron looked at her for a moment, and then setting her down, he gave her a kiss on her forehead. “Enough questions for now, you run along and play.” He stroked her cheek. “And be careful, okay?”
“Okay, daddy.” She smiled big, and then turning, she skipped from the room, her short blond hair bobbing as she went.
What if we could stay as children? What if there was someone bigger, stronger, and smarter, then us, and that we could run to them whenever we felt afraid and alone? What if every time we fell we knew that they would be there to pick us up again, to brush the dirt from our knees and to wipe away our tears? What if, we could depend on them even when the sky is falling, and we have no more strength and courage to go on. What if we had a strong arm to hold us up, to carry us through each day without a care. A carefree life. What if?
Aaron stared blankly at his Bible, his head throbbing as he tried hard to focus on the Word of God before him, but so many thoughts clouded his thinking. The overwhelming pile of bills on the kitchen table, the worries and fears about his little girl, the dreams of buying a new home, a new car, and the dream of taking a family vacation to Disneyland…to see the smile on Bo’s face…
The worries of work, times were tough and things were slow. The fears of making it by each month. The crushed dreams of knowing that he could never give his wife and daughter the life they deserved. He had failed. In a blink of an eye things seemed to spin out of control, and now they lived in a rundown trailer park with a car that barely ran, and just hanging on by a string each month, hoping that the string would hold out just another day, another month, another year.
Sighing, Aaron closed the Bible, his head spinning with so many worries and cares. He felt worn out.
Whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer ye shall receive. The verse was one of the many thoughts running through his mind. Oh Lord, I need your strength. Help us through. He prayed silently as he peered out the kitchen window. The sun was shinning, and he could see his wife and daughter. Bo played with a rag doll as she watched her mother hang the laundry up, her big blue eyes looking at her mother with wonder, as if Sarah was an angel. And to Bo, Sarah was exactly that, and in Aaron’s eyes, she was to him too, they both were. He groaned. He wished he could give them the world, because to him, they were his world.
He watched as Sarah bent down to speak to Bo, who giggled in response. And then, catching his eye, Bo smiled and blew him a kiss.
Ask and ye shall receive. Aaron blew a kiss back to Bo. Please don’t let her be sick, Lord. The fear of his daughter being ill gripped his heart. The bruise on her ribcage had worried Sarah and him, especially when she began to get other bruises all over her body, and then she began to complain of her head and belly hurting. They had scheduled a doctor’s appointment for Monday. He hoped with all his heart that she was fine, that his worries and fears were in vain. Fear. He was tired, worn out, had no more energy left. The constant fears and worries weighed heavy on his heart. But no matter what, he had to continue on with his head held high, he needed to be strong for Sarah and Bo. They needed him to be their strength, their courage, their comforting arms when they were afraid.
“Daddy!” The high pitched squeal came, and then he felt Bo wrap her arms around his legs.
Turning from the window, Aaron swept Bo up into his arms and planted a kiss on her forehead, and then he received a butterflykiss on his cheek.
“What’s for dinner?” Aaron asked.
Sarah opened the refrigerator door. “Leftovers.” She reached in and grabbed a container of spaghetti. “Would you like garlic bread?” She asked as she emptied the spaghetti into a pan to reheat it.
“Sure,” He said, sitting down at the kitchen table.
“Will you color with me daddy?” Bo asked, her big blue eyes pleading.
“Sure, blue eyes.”
Jumping down from his lap she hurried from the room, returning with a coloring book and box of crayons. Then crawling into his lap again, she opened the coloring book and gave him a blue crayon.
For a moment he just watched as she colored, her tongue sticking out just slightly at the corner of her mouth as she concentrated. Her blue eyes framed by long dark eyelashes, and her short blond hair falling forward into her face. He couldn’t imagine loosing her, she was too important to him, meant too much.
“Daddy, you color the doggy.” She said.
“Blue?” He laughed, looking at the blue crayon she had handed him.
She nodded her head. “Blue. God’s favorite color.”
Sarah laughed as she buttered slices of bread. Aaron glanced over at her, catching her gaze and for a moment just looking at her. He loved her so much. She was so beautiful, from the inside out.
He felt a tug on his arm, and looking down he smiled. “Alright, a blue doggy.”
What if, getting sick, or loosing our job, didn’t matter, and that we could know for sure that we would be okay any way? What if when we got scared, we could just fall into strong arms that would then carry us over any mountain? What if, with every fear, we could just trust that nothing would happen, because we knew that we would always have someone so much bigger and stronger then any of our fears? What if?
“Leukemia?” Sarah’s face turned white, and Aaron reached for her, holding her tight. Leukemia. His fears had come true. His little girl was sick, very sick.
“Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, ALL. But just to make sure, I would like to do a few more tests.” Dr. Conner looked at them, his eyes narrowed, his glasses perched on the end of his nose, his balding head shiny against the light over his head.
“And what exactly is ALL?” Aaron asked.
“In this form of the disease, the lymphocyte cell line is affected. The lymphocytes, a type of white blood cell, normally fight infection. With acute lymphocytic leukemia, the bone marrow makes too many of these lymphocytes and they do not mature correctly. The lymphocytes overproduce, thus crowding out other blood cells. In addition, these immature blood cells do not work properly to fight infection. In some cases, these cancerous lymphocytes can affect the brain, spinal cord and other organs…” Dr. Conner spoke, but both Aaron and Sarah couldn’t focus on what he said as their thoughts were being pulled to their four-year-old daughter, and the fear of what was to come for all of them as little Bo would begin her treatments. Aaron’s fear of making it through, of paying for the medical bills, of watching his little girl go through the frightening experience, of watching Sarah too, having to watch her baby go through the pain. He felt powerless. Would he have the strength to hold his family above the waters that were threatening to drown them all? He feared that his strength and courage would run out. He was already worn out. Could he be a rock for his wife and daughter?
What if we could have wings like eagles and soar. What if we could have strength to run and never grow weary? What if in this life, we could have a rest. What if there didn’t have to be the constant struggle to keep ourselves above the water, that we could wear a life vest, and that without a struggle, we could rest and know that our heads would stay above the water. That we could trust to be held up when we grew tired?
Telling Bo was the hardest thing. Her big blue eyes meeting there’s. Her smile fading quickly as she saw the tears in her mama’s eyes, and heard the fear in her daddy’s voice.
“Come here sweetheart,” Aaron said, pulling her into his arms. Sarah held tight to his hand, trying so hard to be strong, but it was so hard when her dream, a part of her heart, her life, was standing before her with blue eyes so big and full of life and unaware of the sickness that threatened to rob them of that life.
Bo reached out to gently touch her mama’s hand. “It’s okay mommy, I’m not afraid.” Such grownup words for such a small person.
“You are very sick, sweetheart. There is a contest of good and bad cells in your body, and the doctors are going to try and help the good cells win.” Aaron gulped. Would she understand? “Sometimes it might hurt, but in time, with the doctor’s help, you will feel better. The doctors will help the good cells to be stronger.”
Bo stared at him, her big blue eyes wide with fear. “It‘s going to hurt?”
Aaron looked to Sarah, wishing with all of his heart that he could take his daughter’s place.
Sarah reached out and brushed Bo’s soft cheek. “I’m afraid so. But you just hang in there, and we’ll get through this together. When it hurts, think of something good.”
“Like ice-cream?” Her eyes brightened.
“Like ice-cream.” Aaron kissed her forehead, the baby scent still hung on her hair. Too young.
What if peace reigned, and war never came to our doorstep? But, what if instead, we always had victory over every war? What if, even if the enemy was larger, we would win? Could you imagine a life, where the only thing impossible was impossibility? What if everything was possible. What if we could move mountains, walk on water, and stand fearless and unshaken in the presence of lions? What if we could walk through fire, and not be burned?
Lord, you said that if we prayed, you would answer us. Where are you? Bo lay in the hospital bed, connected to tubes and monitors. Aware of Bo’s soft breathing as he sat there, a million thoughts racing through his mind. Aaron reached out and tenderly wiped a single tear that lay on her cheek. Her face was pale, her head bare, dark circles hung under her dull eyes. She no longer looked like the same little girl that ran and skipped everywhere, that wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him butterfly kisses. Who always was singing or humming something in her little girlish voice, never holding a tune but always sounding more beautiful to her daddy then anything else in the world.
“Daddy?” Her quiet voice came, barely above a whisper.
“Yes, blue eyes?” He stroked her cheek gently.
She opened her eyes slightly, too tired to open them wide as she use to, as if she had always wanted to take in the whole world all at once.
“Will God give me wings?” She looked at him.
“Wings?”
“Like a butterfly’s.”
She looked to the ceiling where colorful butterflies, rainbows, and a big sun and fluffy clouds decorated it.
“I saw Jesus.” She said.
Aaron held back tears.
“He said that He misses me.” She looked at Aaron, so faintly did the brightness shine through the dullness.
Aaron chocked back his tears, his strength crumbling.
“I love you, daddy.” She looked back to the butterflies on the ceiling. “Jesus said that I should tell you that. He also said that He hasn’t left, and He wants you to take His hand.”
Aaron’s strength crumbled. He leaned over, his hand clasped around her small one as he sobbed.
“He said to let go, and take His,” She whispered ever so faintly.
Let go and take His?
What if it was just one thing that held us back from all of that? What if we could have unfailing strength, feel loved always, and have rest, if we just let go of one thing and took a hold of another with all of our heart? What if life could be so simple, if only we could just take that one step between unbelief and having faith?
Aaron stared at the Bible in his hands. Bo lay asleep again, her soft breathing soothed him. He opened it, his hands shaking, his throat tight. He hadn’t touched his Bible since Bo was diagnosed with the cancer. He had prayed. Sarah and Him had both prayed fervently through the first few months of Bo’s illness, but as the leukemia worsened, their prayers became few and far between, until their hope in the Lord turned to hope in the doctors and the medicines. A desperate hope.
He flipped through the pages, unsure of where to begin, of how to give his faith back to God. Where did he begin? Where did faith start?
And then, the verse he had marked the day Bo had revealed the first sign of her cancer to him, caught his eye. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. And then, for the first time, the one word that meant most of all, caught his attention. Believing. He stared at the word. One word. Small. Simple. But the most important. Without believing, without the faith that their prayers would be heard, that God would answer, the words held no power, were empty. How did he miss it? How could he be so blind?
Tears filled his eyes. Let go. Take His hand. Sobbing, Aaron slipped from his chair and on his knees in the hospital room, he poured his heart out to God. Not asking for Bo to be healed. Not begging the Lord to heal his precious little girl as he had at the beginning, but instead, asking for faith. He gave his heart back over to the Lord, handing every worry and care to God. And, as the first light of morning shown through the window, Aaron felt his heavy burden lifted, and he felt his strength renewed. Standing from where he had spent the entire night on his knees at Bo’s bedside, Aaron peered down at his daughter’s peaceful face. God was gracious. In his unbelief, God was still faithful.
What if it didn’t have to be ’what if’, and that it could be true. What if the impossible was made possible just because of faith. What if, you were standing on the edge of unbelief, and that if you just had the faith to jump, you would be given wings to fly? But you had to make that jump of the unknown to receive wings. What if there was no what ifs, and there was only truth.
Aaron opened his eyes as he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. He reached for it, looking up into Sarah’s face.
“I haven‘t seen you read that in awhile…” She whispered.
Still holding her hand, he looked to his Bible. “Bo said last night that Jesus told her He wants me to take His hand.” He said.
Sarah stared at him, tears filling her eyes as her lower lip began to tremble.
Opening his Bible he read the verse he had found. “And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.”
Sarah bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling as she stared down at the Bible. “I don’t understand.”
Aaron pulled her into his arms. “Believing.”
Sarah looked into his eyes. “Haven’t we believed?”
“In the doctors, in the medicines, in ourselves, the world, man.” He pulled her to his lap, and held her tenderly as they watched their daughter sleep. “We believed in everything but in the One that matters. We can get through this, we can overcome this cancer, but not without God. Our hopes and prayers have all been in vain without God, without believing. He can take her from us no matter how great the medicine or doctors, if He wants to. He holds life in his hands, and can give it or take it.”
Sarah wept. Her heart heavy with grief. “Bo told me the other day that Jesus sits with her, holds her hand, and sings to her too sometimes. She said that He never leaves her side. She said that He talks to us too, and she wondered why we don’t look at Him, or answer Him.”
What if we listened to His gentle calling. What if we took his hand, and stepped out on the water. What if we followed Him faithfully, even when the giant towers over us, and the storm rages ahead of us. What if we never let go of His hand, even when we fall. What if we trust in Him when we are afraid, knowing that He is bigger and stronger then our fears. What if we trust in Him.
Bo pointed at the butterfly, her eyes bright with wonder. “Daddy, look, it’s Grace!”
Aaron smiled as he watched the butterfly flutter in the sky.
“Daddy, when I was sick, Jesus brought me a butterfly in a jar.” She watched the butterfly as it came to rest on a flower near them. “He told me that the butterfly was named Grace. He said that she was special, and that whenever I would see her, to remember Him. He said that Grace was from heaven. He then opened the window in the hospital room and let her free. He then told me that He set her free so that the whole world could share in her beauty. He said that He had made her beautiful for anyone who would want to see her beauty.”
Aaron listened to her, watching the blue butterfly in awe.
“Jesus said that she is His gift to the world.” She smiled. “And she helped Him to make me better.”
Aaron kissed her cheek.
“Pretty butterfly.” She said as it fluttered away. “Bubye, Grace.”
The End
Copyright ©2010 Elley Bartolazzi
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Matthew 13:3
Behold, a sower went forth to sow
Caleb Brody stepped into the light of the streetlamp, his calloused hands clasped around a worn leather Bible.
Go ye into the world, and preach the gospel to every creature. Caleb looked out at the city before him. Were there any chosen among the many people walking the streets of the city tonight? He wondered. He that hath and ear, let him hear. The Lord’s words were vivid in Caleb’s mind. Would his words be heard tonight, or would they go unnoticed?
Seating himself on the street corner under the streetlamp, Caleb opened his Bible, letting the Holy Spirit guide him.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, for whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” His voice seemed to be magnified above the evening din of the city.
Caleb glanced up, catching the gaze of a young woman to his right, who was waiting along with a number of other young people to cross the street.
The snow swirled down around her, catching in her long eyelashes and curly brown hair.
She stared at him with large violet eyes, but they didn’t hold the enthrallment that he hoped for, but instead a scornful twinkle.
Matthew 13:4
And when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side, and the fowls came and devoured them up…
The night was cold as snowflakes swirled to the ground.
“This is going to be so cool!” Amber, Jamie’s best friend, exclaimed as she burst from Leo’s Pizza Joint.
The four teens made their way down Way Side Avenue.
“Way!” Jamie joined her friend’s excitement. “The DC Rockers are like totally awesome!”
Mark and Ian held back their own excitement as they followed their girlfriends down the sidewalk.
“I was thinking about coloring and cutting my hair like Aria’s, what do you think?” Amber asked as the small group waited to cross the street.
“I don’t know,” Jamie studied her friend for a moment. Aria, the lead singer of the DC Rockers, had short auburn hair that was spiked with long sweeping side bangs. “You have such pretty hair; do you really want to cut it all off?”
Amber wrapped a strand of long blonde hair around her finger and studied it thoughtfully. “I know, but its so — so yesterday!” She said melodramatically.
Jamie shook her head and smiled. Her best friend could be such a drama queen at times.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son…”
Jamie looked to her left to see where the words had come from. A man sat under the streetlight, his head bent over a book on his lap. How peculiar. She thought, watching him read.
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son…It seemed almost like a love story…in its own bizarre way. She thought, but then shook her head. It was all so unreal. How could people believe such nonsense?
The man looked up from the book, his blue eyes instantly filling with pain.
Could he tell that she thought his religion ridiculous? She looked away quickly. What should he care? People were entitled to their own thoughts and feelings!
Following her friends, Jamie crossed the street to the theater where the DC Rockers were performing.
“Ready to, parr-taay?” Amber asked as she nudged Jamie with her elbow.
Jamie looked over her shoulder at the man, he had his head bent and his words flowed loudly into the street.
“You bet I am!” Jamie shouted a little too loudly as they entered the Music and Lyrics theater.
Matthew 13:5-6
Some fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: and when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had not root, they withered away.
Shane held tight to his wife’s hand as tears filled his eyes.
The doctor’s words hung heavy on his heart. My sweet Libby. His heart pleaded for her to stay while anther voice somewhere seemed to be calling for her.
“Cancer…?” Shane’s voice trembled.
I love her. I am not ready to let go of her, not now, not ever!
Shane dared to look at his wife, her face ashen and her eyes filled with tears. Her beautiful blue eyes. She turned to look at him. Her eyes were pleading, full of fear and pain. What could he do? I would do anything for you, Libby; you are all I have.
“What can we do?” Shane’s voice was desperate as he placed his gaze on Dr. Rhodes.
“There are several treatments — but there‘s no promising…” His voice held no hope for them, no compassion.
Shane looked again at Libby; she sat stiffly in her chair, a single tear present on her cheek. He held tight to her hand, as if it was the only thing keeping her alive.
She’s so beautiful. He thought. She is so young. They had only been married a year…why her?
Shane could not bear to watch is lovely bride die. Her once bright blue eyes were now dull, no longer full of life, and her smiles were no longer sincere but rather a façade. She was dying, and all he could do was sit by and watch.
Shane made his way down Stone Street, his heart heavy with grief. Why her? He had asked so many times.
Shane held out his hand to catch the falling snowflakes, but he could not feel them.
“In the way of righteousness is life; and in the pathway thereof there is no death.”
Shane glanced over his shoulder, noticing for the first time the young man that sat in the light of the streetlamp. The man was reading aloud from a book in his lap, his tranquil voice was filled with a joy that Shane envied.
Shane found the words so familiar, yet he could not remember where he had heard them before. What book did he read from? What made those words so special?
The man flipped through the pages of his book, not noticing Shane. “Every word of God is pure: he is a shield to them that put their trust in him.”
Of course, it was the Bible. He had grown up going to church Sunday after Sunday, hearing those same words spoken again and again. But why did they seem so new and different tonight? Weren’t they the same words?
Shane wanted to know more, to share it with Libby, maybe then she would heal.
Libby. My sweet darling Libby. Hope rose in his heart. If the words spoke truth then Libby would live!
Shane headed for the downtown Christian bookstore to purchase a Bible, his heart singing a new praise as hope rose in him.
Shane stared at his wife from across the room. She had been released by the hospital to spend her last days at home. Last days. The words chilled his heart. We prayed…why haven’t you answered? He questioned, his heart filling with anger.
Seeing her now curled up on the couch with a quilt, Shane could not hold back his tears.
Her head was bent over her Bible as she read it silently. As the days passed Shane had lost hope, but Libby blossomed with it spiritually.
She’s so beautiful. He thought. Though her skin was pale still, her eyes were bright and full of life again. She smiled her “from the heart” smile again. I love you so very much, Libby. A pink and blue scarf covered her head, taking the place of her lovely blonde curls.
Looking up, Libby smiled as she noticed him staring at her. “What?” She asked, tilting her head slightly to the left.
He shook his head. “Nothing,” he smiled and made his way across the room to sit next to his lovely wife, “I was just thinking how beautiful you are—now more then ever.” He peered into her loving eyes. “I just don‘t get it.”
Subconsciously she raised her hand to her head; the softness of the silk scarf was all she could feel with her fingertips.
“I feel so much better then before too, even though…” Her voice trailed off.
“I love you so much,” His voice trembled as he tried to hold back a sob. Bringing his hand up to stroke the silk scarf, he leaned forward and pressed his forehead to hers.
“God’s calling me home, darling, it’ll be alright.” She whispered. “I know that it is hard for you, but you will be comforted.”
She turned her eyes to the Bible in her lap and read aloud. “…The Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost…” She looked back to her husband, a smile stretching across her face. “See? He is our comforter, in times of sorrow He is there.” She paused for a moment, as if considering her words carefully. “But me going is not a time of sorrow, but a time to rejoice!” She raised her voice as loud as she could.
He’s taking you from me! I had asked, but he did not answer. Why should I rejoice when he never gave you another chance?
“Grieve, but not for me, but for those who don’t have such a happy ending.”
But her words fell on deaf ears; Shane’s heart was already hardened.
As the clock struck midnight Libby’s hand went limp in Shane’s grasp, and when he looked up at her all he could see was sweet bliss on her lovely face. She was gone from him forever.
His body shook with sobs. He would never love again. Never.
Matthew 13:7
And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them.
Alana made her way through the cafeteria, trying to dodge the spitballs that the football jocks were shooting at the geeks from across the room.
“So, have you heard the 411?” Alana’s best friend, Tess Peterson asked the second Alana seated herself at the table.
But Tess didn’t wait for Alana’s answer before she blurted, “Jordan Paige is having a party this weekend.”
“Awesome.” Alana said as she reached into her handbag for her iPod.
“Everyone’s invited…” Tess’ voice trailed off as she glanced over at the geeks in the corner of the cafeteria. “Well, not everyone.”
The two of them burst into laughter.
Alana made her way down Thorn Street; the night was cold and snowy. If only I had my own car. She breathed into the cold night air as she came to a stop at the crosswalk.
She had to sneak out of the house to get by her parents who had objected to her going to Jordan’s party. Why do they have to be so unfair? Kicking at a lump of dry grass that had grown up through a crack in the concrete of the sidewalk, Alana waited impatiently to cross the street.
“In whom ye also trusted, after that ye heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation: in whom also after that ye believed, ye were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise…”
Alana looked up with surprise. Where did those words come from? She looked to her left to see a man sitting in the streetlight. What was he doing?
Listening closer Alana realized he read aloud from the Bible. Why?
…Sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise…it sounded like poetry. Alana had never noticed before, even when Josiah Davis so frequently quoted scripture, how wonderful the words sounded. It stirred something inside of her, she felt drawn to the words, and a desperate need to go to the only person she knew who would understand, Josiah Davis.
Changing her direction, Alana made her way down the street, her pace quickening to the beat of her heart. I want to know you, Lord! The beat of her heart seemed to yell.
Taking a sip of her diet coke, Alana glanced over her shoulder as an uproar of laughter came from the football jocks. She followed their gaze to the far corner of the cafeteria to see one of the geek’s face covered in a slice of key lime pie. To her horror, Alana recognized the young man as Josiah Davis.
Why are they so mean? Alana thought as she looked back to the football jocks. Why do they find enjoyment in terrorizing people just because they are different?
Part of Alana wanted to scream and yell at all who laughed, but a part of her just wanted to go along with the others, to fit in.
Why do I find it so hard? She had felt so great last night as Josiah explained God’s word so clearly to her. He had helped her to understand it all. And by the end of the conversation she was crying and asking Jesus into her heart.
Now as she sat at the table staring at him, Alana found herself doing nothing for kindhearted Josiah Davis, when he had done so much for her.
Later, after lunch, Alana met Josiah in the hallway as Tess and her made their way to cheerleading practice.
“Hi,” he said and smiled broadly.
Alana glanced at Tess who stood next to her. “Um, hi,” she said hesitantly.
Tess just stood staring at Alana, her eyes puzzled.
“Why are you talking to him?” Tess mouthed.
Josiah only ignored Tess and kept his eyes on Alana. “I thought you might like this,” he said as he reached into his book bag. “I didn’t know if you had one or not, but…” He held out a Bible.
Alana didn’t reach for it, but glanced at Tess, not sure what to do. She wanted so badly to be popular, but she knew Tess would ruin her if she was friends with Josiah Davis and proclaimed her newly found faith.
Despite her heart’s yearning to take the Bible, Alana laughed loudly and walked past Josiah.
The young man stood in the hallway deeply hurt as a waive of laughter erupted from the many onlookers.
Matthew 13:8
But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit…
Brian held tight to Sarah’s hands, his heart pounding wildly in his chest as he stared into her beautiful blue eyes.
“I love you so much, Sarah.”
She looked up at him, her heart beating a little quicker. She loved him so much. His gentle blue eyes and adorable smile never failed to pull at her heartstrings. From head to toe she loved him, from the way his curly brown hair curled up in the front, to his big heart. She had fallen in love with him, with her whole heart, she had fallen. “I love you too, Brian.” Was this it…was he going to…
“I love you sweetheart, more then words can speak.” Brian searched Sarah’s eyes. “Will you marry me?” Sarah’s eyes quickly filled with tears as he uttered the four words she had longed to hear for so long.
“Yes!” She yelled, throwing her arms around his neck. “Yes!”
It was all that he could do to keep back his own tears as he held tight to Sarah.
Snow was swirling around them as they made their way, hand in hand, down Good Street, their hearts beating rapidly with excitement.
Every now and then they would glance at each other and whisper, “I love you”, but mostly they walked in silence.
“…Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing ye might have life through his name.”
Stopping suddenly, the couple turned to look at the man they had just passed. He sat under the streetlight, his head bent over a book in his lap as he read aloud.
The sound of the pages fluttering in the wind, and then the man’s voice, “And it shall come to pass that whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved.” Again, the wind turned the pages, and again the man began to read to where the pages had been turned. “I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture.” Again the wind turned the pages, and again the man read from where the pages fell. “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to everyone that believeth…”
Sarah felt Brian squeeze her hand tenderly, looking up she found tears streaming down his face.
Brian looked down to see Sarah staring up at him, her face streaked with tears.
Both their hearts sang to a new beat as they made their way to the Streetlight Messenger.
As they neared, the man lifted his weary eyes to them.
“We would like to know more,” Was all they said, but it was enough to bring tears to Caleb’s eyes.
“Blessed is he that is chosen! For many are called, but few are chosen.”
Unlike the others that had heard Caleb’s words that night, Brian and Sarah heard God’s Word with good and honest hearts. And with patience and understanding, they continued to grow.
The Beginning
Because it doesn’t end here for those chosen of God
Copyright ©2008 Elley Bartolazzi
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1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not: charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth.
She fingered the gold heart that hung from the necklace around her neck. A symbol of his promise. She let out her breath slowly, her heart beating wildly. Did she deserve someone so wonderful? Was she good enough for him? She questioned the heart of her beloved every moment, wondering why he would give her a chance, even when he knew everything about her, right down to the most darkest parts of her heart. Even though she had hoped with all of her heart he wouldn’t ever know of her past, there had been no getting around it, it was as if from the moment he looked deeply into her eyes, he was able to see her heart for what it truly was. Black. Hidden from the eyes of everyone but him, her heart beat black and ugly, beneath her beautiful white gown.
Will he keep his promise? Will he love me forever like he says? She didn’t want to doubt him, didn’t want to question his love. But she didn’t know if she could ever except his love, not truly, not fully.
Holding up the bouquet of roses, she studied each color, still puzzled at the many roses that he had chosen for her bouquet, and for the special meaning each color held. Red, for when he gave his life to save hers; white, to remind her of his forgiveness; yellow, for his promise of happiness: a white rose with black tips, a reminder that even when things got hard, he would still be there for her, to remind her that if she believed, then the light could always overcome the darkness; and then in the center of them all was a delicate white silk rose that would never fade, but would hold its beauty forever, to remind her each day of each promise.
Tears came to her eyes as she stroked one of the delicate silk flower petals. And then, she buried her face in the sweet scent of the other roses.
“Are you ready, Annalise?”
Turning, she looked into the eyes of her father, his gentle eyes touching her heart. And then she was afraid that she couldn’t hold back the tears.
“Oh, daddy…” she whispered.
“My sweet little girl.” He drew her to him, holding her close like when she was a little girl afraid of the dark.
“You had been lost to us, Annalise, but he brought you back to our loving arms again, and for that, we could never thank him enough. He gave his life to save you, and we are indebted to him for that, and forever thankful.”
Annalise looked up into her father’s face. You shouldn’t love me so much, daddy. I have done so many wrongs, have made so many mistakes…I want to believe him, want to believe that all those wrongs can be undone…but I just don’t know if I can. Oh, daddy, if only you knew…
Annalise had been an only child, and because of that she was showed daily of how much she was loved. Not a moment went by that her parents didn't show her in some way or another that they loved her, especially her father. He was always there for her, brushing away a tear or encouraging her to continue on, never failing to give her his undivided attention. But all of that did not matter, it all began to fade as she grew older, when reality hit her and she realized that life wasn't carefree and all about laughter and smiles. There was a painful and dark part of life that she found difficult to ignore.
When she was sixteen she met a guy that changed her life. When she had first laid eyes on him, she had been taken aback by his seemingly handsome yet daunting features. At first glance she had turned her eyes away quickly, feeling uneasy looking into his dark eyes, they were unsettling, almost haunting.
It was when he started to persuade her with a charm that she couldn’t say no to, that she slowly felt herself being pulled unwillingly, at first, from all that she knew. She had slowly faded away until she felt like a dead person, empty and lifeless.
Dressing in black as an outward sign of how she felt on the inside, Annalise followed him and his group as one. She would lookout from behind all the black and hope with all her heart that she could cry out for help to the many onlookers that stood gawking at their group, but she couldn’t, she was a prisoner, held captive behind the grief and loneliness that had taken over her soul. Who would help her anyway?
Scars marked her wrists from the many times she cut them. Watching the blood ooze from her pale skin, she would feel some of the heaviness of her grief seep from her heart as the blood seeped from her wrist. It was all she knew to do, to lighten the pain that held her captive in her heart. To hurt herself physically took away her emotional pain that weighed heavy on her heart.
With every glance from an outsider brought more pain, because she knew that they judged her, knew what they thought of her. Her heart was as black as the lipstick she wore.
How did I ever allow myself to get here? Why didn’t I stop it? She asked herself so often that her head spun. No one understands me, no one but him… She thought, though it wasn’t true. He treated her meanly, and cared nothing for her. He was angry, and he no longer was kind and gentle like when she first met him and he lured her into their group. He was off working on others, luring them into the group with his charm.
She wanted to warn his victims, but she didn’t, hiding constantly behind the fear that he put in her heart. Run, run as far away as you can from him, because once he holds you captive there is nothing left, you will forever be captive. Like me…
Annalise would watch helplessly as one by one, he would draw more and more lost souls into the group. Other lost souls like me…
It had been a beautiful fall day, when yet again, Annalise met another young man that would change her life.
She had sunk into the deepest part of her depression, almost absent of all that was around her, only being able to see darkness.
She had slipped out behind the high school, near the dumpster. She fell to the ground, millions of voices filling her mind while the sky above her spun out of control, just as her life had. She couldn’t overcome the feelings that battled in her heart, she didn’t want to live anymore, she was done, had given up. She glanced down at the pocket knife in her hand, turning it and watching the sun glisten off of the metal blade. Turning her wrist, she pressed the sharp blade to her skin, and then slowly, the blood beaded and then broke out, streaming down her arm, seeping into her shirt. She didn’t want to stop, she kept cutting, gritting her teeth against the pain of the cuts, but most of all the pain that dragged her into the black bottomless pit of her heart.
Blood covered her arms and clothes. She felt dizzy, and slowly the voices began to fade and the world came to a stop, the sky grew bright and flashed white before her eyes. And then, a single voice came through the cloudiness, gentle and sweet, as if from heaven.
“Someone has already bore those stripes for you, Annalise.” And then she felt his strong arms around her, as he cradled her, her blood staining the front of his shirt. She felt herself slipping away, giving into the peace that fought to make its way into her burdened heart, but then something out of her control flared up inside, causing her to struggle and fight against his gentle embrace. She screamed out against him, not wanting his pity, not wanting to accept his kindness.
“Let me go!” She lashed out at him, the knife still clenched in her hand. “I don’t need you!”
His embrace was strong, still loving, still gentle. “I want to help you, Annalise.”
“I don’t want your help! Just let me die, please.”
“I don’t want to let you die, Annalise, I want you to live,” Pain caused his eyes to widen as he spoke. Annalise looked down, the knife had stabbed his left hand accidentally in her struggle to be set free from his embrace. And all of a sudden her heart broke open, after being hardened over the years, she allowed all that she had held inside for so long to spill out on to her face as she gave into the heartrending sobs that her soul had hungered for, for so long. Healing tears. She was set free from the chains that had bound her heart, she felt as if her soul had wings as an eagle and soared, and that she could run and never grow weary. Her heart was able to give and except love again.
Annalise breathed deeply, still looking into her father’s eyes. “I’m so sorry, daddy. I didn’t want to hurt you…”
He smiled. “All is forgiven…no need to go back. This is your day, sweetheart, live it with all of your heart.”
She smiled, her blue eyes bright again, and she hugged him tight before slipping her hand in the crook of his arm and allowed him to lead her down the grassy aisle towards her beloved.
Smiling, her beloved reached for her left hand, the scar so apparent in the center of his palm, causing her heart to tighten with guilt. I’m so sorry…
He looked at her with his gentle eyes, smiling at her. “It is all forgiven.” He whispered. “I love you, and will bare many more scars for you, if it meant that you would live.”
Her heart pounded wildly. How can you be so good to me? I am not worthy enough to be loved! Her thoughts rang out as she looked into his eyes.
The words of the minister were carried by the wind across the grassy meadow that they had chosen for this special day. The wildflowers were in bloom and bobbed their heads in the gentle breeze, their scent filling the air. They stood tall as if they were a million witnesses of the special covenant made between Annalise and her beloved.
“…a covenant is not to be broken…” Could she forever keep her promise to him? “…love never fails…” Was it so? Would his love never fail her? “…will you, Annalise, vow your heart to a lifetime of promise?”
Could she promise her heart to him?
She found herself nodding her yes, her voice gone from her, as if the gentle summer breeze had carried it away.
Years passed after Annalise and her beloved had been joined together as one. The first year had been a beautiful one, he was so good, so kind, so forgiving, so patient as she learned ever so slowly to let go. He held her hand and guided her daily, teaching her of things that she had never heard of before. And at times she almost felt as if she could do anything with him by her side. She felt free, felt as if she could smile forever.
But then, she opened her eyes and saw that people gawked at her when she walked beside him. They looked at her and him together, and she found them almost laughing. Why? When my heart was black I was judged, and now they judge me still…but why? She would look up at him and he would smile down at her, but the pain of others’ unwillingness to love him back, mirrored in his eyes.
Her parents though, loved him dearly. Her father especially had taken him in, calling him son.
Annalise tried to deny the fact that her mother was slipping away though. Her mother was so weak, her skin so pale and her eyes so dull. Annalise couldn’t accept her mother’s dieing, she didn’t want to let go, didn’t want to say goodbye. She pleaded with her beloved, pleaded that he would make her better, but he shook his head, his eyes apologetic.
“Sometimes, darling, you just have to let go.” He kissed her cheek ever so lightly.
“But you can do something, can’t you? Can’t you make her live forever?” Annalise fought against the feelings that rose in her heart.
“Annalise, I know that you want me to do something, but sometimes you need to just let things be.” He looked deeply in to her eyes. “Leaving this earth is not the end of her life, Love. She will be going home where life is eternal.”
She shook her head, her vision blurry with tears. “No, you can do something, I know you can. You’re a doctor, help her, it’s your job.”
He shook his head. “I’m sorry, Annalise, but I can’t. Please understand…”
She shook her head in anger. “No!” Turning she fled from him, the blackness of her heart years ago was returning, staining the white.
She ran until she had no breath left, her heart pounding. She fell to her knees, anger flooding her face with hot tears. Love never fails…
She looked to the sky, it was darkening with storm clouds and the sound of thunder rang in the distance. I hate him! He could save her, but he chooses to watch her die! Why? Why is he allowing this?
She felt her heart harden and the blackness return.
She found him again, his group larger then before and more powerful too. They put fear in the hearts of anyone that laid eyes on them. They roamed about like a cloud of black smoke, devouring every innocent and weary soul.
Annalise joined them again, the hands of hate clutching her heart, allowing herself to be imprisoned yet again…yet, she didn’t know why, but she held hidden and protected close to her heart, the silk rose from the bouquet of promises that he had given her. She had wanted to crush it, wanted to destroy it, but had found that she couldn’t, had needed to hold it close to her heart.
She looked at the darkened faces around her, sullen and deathlike. She had known how it was to live, to be free and happy. He had given her the taste of something so sweet…but he had hurt her, and she hated him for it.
Hadn’t he been faithful? Hadn’t he loved her, cared for her, guided her, even when she failed? Hadn’t he picked her up every time she stumbled? Hadn’t he reminded her daily that he loved her? …But didn’t he deny her of the healing she knew he was so capable of?
Breathing in the scent of death, Annalise looked out on the group, it was taking over. But, within the smell of death, the lightest scent of roses could be smelled, it was from the single rose that lay against her heart, it had taken the scent of the many real roses of her bouquet so many years ago. Never fading.
“You don’t need him, Annalise, you’ve got us. You know, he doesn’t like us, thinks he’s too good for us. It feels good, doesn’t it? To do as you want. So much easier then walking the strait and narrow…you don’t need all that stuff. We’ve got it all right here.”
Annalise looked into his eyes, they were haunting and sent a shiver up her spine. “It is easier.”
His smile was horrid, making her heart shudder. “I let you do what ever you want, there aren’t no rules here. Anything you want, you got. It’s as if we hold everything in our hands, it’s all ours.” He held has hand in front of her face, clasped tightly, as if he were holding something.
She looked at him. “Can you keep my mother alive?”
He sneered. “If you do as I ask.”
She shrunk back from his unsettling gaze, and she found herself nodding, and then saying, “Anything.”
“First, I don’t like life, most of all new life.”
Her heart jolted. No! Tears came to her eyes. “Wha-what do you want me to do?” She licked her lips as she tightened her arms about her stomach.
“You know.” He hissed.
“Alright.” She found herself saying.
The little life that was just beginning to grow inside of her was so precious to her…but she didn’t know it, didn’t have to love it just yet, she couldn’t see it, couldn’t feel it, so how did she know it was real? It wouldn’t hurt, wouldn’t matter.
“Is that all?”
“Forget about that promise. Forget about him. You serve me now, and there’s no room for him.” His words were spoken with such force and coldness. She trembled in his presence.
She pressed her hand to her heart, she could feel the rose, his promise. Did it still hold its promise?
She turned from him and made her way down the dark street, one hand over the rose of promise, the other over the life that grew ever so near her heart. Could she destroy his promise, forget about him, kill the new life that grew within her?
She looked to the sky, it seemed dark all the time anymore, the sun hadn’t shone for so many days, she missed the warmth of it, the feel of it against her face. But if it shone again, could she feel it? It seemed that all she could feel anymore was coldness. Could only see blackness.
Turning the corner, she made her way towards the one single streetlight that shed its light into the darkness. A single light in all of this darkness. It puzzled her, and then she saw the silhouette of her beloved. Her beloved!
“I’m still here, Annalise, and I still love you.” He said from the light. She stood just at the edge, the toes of her black shoes right on the line that separated the dark from the light, her eyes on his outstretched hand, the tips of his fingers on the line of darkness and light that separated them.
“I asked you to save her.” She began to cry. “But you wouldn’t.”
“Annalise, please, you have to understand that even if I hold the power to do whatever, it doesn’t mean that I can do as I want.” His own eyes filled with tears. “I don’t want to deny you, Annalise, but sometimes you have to let go, for reasons beyond what we could ever understand. He has a purpose for us, Annalise, for all that He allows to happen. We can’t question Him, can’t try to change His plans because they don’t fit with our own.”
Annalise glanced up at his face and then to his hand again, she then looked to her own hand, wanting to reach for his, but all the time aware of the hold that the black figure in the darkness behind her had on her. His dark fierce eyes could be felt on her back, and she knew he was angry.
“It’s all about love, Annalise, if you love me then you must love Him. Love suffers long, love is kind, love envies not, love vaunt not itself, love is not puffed up, love does not behave itself unseemly, love does not seek its self, love is not easily angered, love does not think evil, love does not rejoice in iniquity but in truth, love bares all things, love believes all things, love hopes all things, love endures all things, love never fails.” He looked into her eyes, so gentle and kind. “All of that is what it means to love. You must believe with all your heart of all of those things, because if you don’t, then your heart can not fully love.”
Annalise looked over her shoulder, could see the dark figure, and she knew, that no matter what, she had given her heart away. Looking back, she opened her heart once again to the love that had never really left. She believed with all of her heart this time, that all was forgiven, that he really did love her, and that all that he said was true. She accepted it, with all of her heart this time. She vowed her heart to him, it was his to keep forever more. No matter how difficult, she promised to never loose hope, to never stop believing, because loving him was all she ever needed.
She reached out her hand into the light, and found his scarred one. She was pulled willingly into the light. The blackness fell away from her, and the breath of life filled her lungs. Her heart beat wildly as the tiny life within her gave a gentle kick. Life was so beautiful, love made it possible, and it was all because of him.
The End
Copyright © 2009 Elley Bartolazzi
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The majestic rocky mountains tinted by fiery colors of fall rose before him against a smoky blue sky. A glassy indigo blue ocean stretched out with a crimson sunset backdrop. An open emerald green meadow lay underneath a sky strewn with wispy clouds. Picture perfect.
An eagle soared over a lake that wore a perfect reflection of the world that rose above it, in its still clear waters.
Adam Flynn peered through the lens of his camera at the image displayed before him. Breathtaking. His father had taken him and his brother to the rocky mountains when Adam was only ten. At the time, he had only a disposable camera his dad had picked up at a general store, in the small town they stopped in before leaving the paved highway behind them and turning onto a rutted mountain dirt road.
He remembered for the first time seeing those mountains in the distance. A hazy purple blue on the horizon. They still wore snow on their peaks while all around summer bloomed in full array.
He could remember hiking a fairly worn hunting trail that lead up the mountainside. Struggling along with his almost too big a pack, and his eyes wide open so he wouldn’t miss a thing, Adam could remember snapping his camera at every little thing.
“Why don’t you save the film, son, there’ll be a lot better pictures later on.”
Chuckling now at the memory of that disposable camera, Adam took pride in his more professional and complex digital camera. At ten he was full of wonder over being able to capture an image so easily. To be able to keep memories alive through a tangible image, was extraordinary. But, not as amazing as the scenes in those images that he captured.
Adam put his camera down, and gazed at the beauty displayed before him in a clear mountain lake, a soaring eagle and a majestic mountain range. And like clockwork, his heart began to wander in the greatness surrounding him.
Was there a god? The beauty, the greatness, the wonder, of it all, held a mystery.
A picture’s worth a thousand words. Looking at one of his photographs or gazing at the real thing, he always felt like there was something more to the scene before him. Like it was only a façade, and that there was a depth to both scene and image that could only be found if you looked hard enough.
Adam breathed deeply. Was it true that the beauty before him was created by God? He grew up being taught that life was what you made it. That you chose your way, and there wasn’t some divine being that had power over everything. But then how could all of this be? He questioned. He squatted near the water and touched it lightly with his fingertips, causing the waters to ripple. The cool wet feel of the water on his fingertips. That musty autumn scent on the crisp mountain air filling his nostrils and cleansing his lungs. It was all tangible. But God was surreal. How could it be possible? And then suddenly interrupting his thoughts came the answer. How could it not be? Quietly he stood and peered at the mountains and lake before him, the eagle had disappeared, but it’s screech could still be heard in the distance.
We look at the world and tend to see what we have learned to believe is there, stopping there, and never going further to look deeper to the source of it all.
Copyright ©2010 Elley Bartolazzi
